our alien baby

ahhh!  look at those alien eyes! 

 so, we had an unexpected sonogram wednesday.  i had gone in to see my midwife, cheryl, and she said i needed to call our backup dr to make an appt to get a our 18-20 week growth sonogram.  this is not required but we wanted to do this and we also would like to know the sex of the baby.  we only ever planned to have one sonogram so we were OK with waiting a few more weeks. when the nurse said she could get me in that day, i was a little nervous but i agreed.  so, 4 hours later, i was looking inside my own uterus at my half developed child.

lemme just sidestep for a second. i feel like something needs to be clarified.

God made this child.

God made Caleb.

and God made T.

that’s pretty obvious truth to those of you reading.

but, for some strange reason, now that T has moved from us everyone tries to fill his spot with this new baby.

i’ll have you know, this is a completely foreign thought to me.  like, when the first person (oh, yes, there’s been many) mentioned how we must be reeeeeeeeeeally excited about this new baby i felt nonplussed.  we would be excited either way.  they are all completely separate little babes to me.  if the Lord were to take Caleb today, there would be a forever hole in our family.  until heaven.

each of my babies are different.  each of them were uniquely designed by the Lord.  and each of them have a separate place in this family.

and T has a forever hole.  and he deserves to have his space reserved and remembered.

parents (well, people in general!) who have lost someone want, more than anything, for others to remember them.  it’s the best and most thoughtful gift.  yes, it hurts sometimes.  i still have tears when i talk about T.  not everyone knows how to deal with that, i get it.  so i speak for myself here.

please remember him. do not replace him.

let my babies be who God designed them to be.

wow, that sounded defensive, didn’t it?  i actually am rarely offended by any comments in regards to fostering. and this was definitely not a case where we were hurt or offended.  we understand that others are trying to grieve as well.  there’s nothing you can say that will hurt my feelings.  this, the letting go of your child, is what everyone fears.  we made it. and we’re telling you how can make it through, too.

ok, so back to my baby #3.

i picked a song for her.

ugh. the sono tech totally messed me up.  she thinks it’s a boy but could not get a great angle to tell.  i would loooove a boy.  i have everything for a boy (except a name) and i know what to expect the first three years. comfortable.  and then my baby went all Henson on us and got comfortable right where he/she was.  couldn’t tell what was going on with that nub between its legs.  whatever.  i still say girl.

so, i picked a song for her.  it’s Psalm 46 by Jenny & Tyler.

The LORD is my refuge and strength

Therefore I will not be afraid

Though the mountains give way

And fall into the sea

He will come and rescue me

 

The LORD comes to me at break of day

He reaches down to guide me in His ways

Though the oceans roar

In this dark and stormy sea

He will come and rescue me

 

Halleluyah, He is with me

Halleluyah, we cannot be moved

Halleluyah, He is with me

Halleluyah, I rest secure

 

 

that looks pretty bland just sitting there in text.  youtube it or visit their site if you haven’t heard it.

dane and i started learning it together.  when i sing it, all of my emotions from the last 4 months start to surface.

the joy, the sickness, the despair, the laughs, the intimacy, the hate, the tears, the saying goodbye.

and saying hello, again.

is there anything more beautiful than new life?  this tiny thing shows much greatness in our King.

the final verse of the song is my favorite and main prayer in my heart right now:

Be still and know that He is God

He will be exalted over all

Come and behold His strength and majesty

Yet He will come and rescue me

this prayer covers our fostering experience and now this pregnancy and future labor and delivery (uh, Lord, please rescue me).

i am so excited to see how the Lord uses it, in my heart, over this child.