a year ago today i had a miscarriage. i wrote this post a little afterwards that was very vague because i was still processing everything. it was our first experience with death that close to us. i threw myself in the Word so as not to let my emotions towards God wreak havoc on our relationship. i didn’t trust Him for awhile. i wanted to know more. a year later, i think i’m ready to tell the whole story. the way God is writing it for me to share.
on november 30th, 2011, i had a weird feeling that i was pregnant. i’m not really into weird feelings. i did have the same weird feeling the day i found out about caleb, but he was somewhat planned so that doesn’t really count. i happened to have an extra pregnancy test in the bathroom because i thought i was pregnant in october. my body had been out of order for a few months so a pregnancy wasn’t out of the question. i took the test. i remember setting a timer on my phone and forcing myself to go lay on my bed and pray. i prayed for exactly one minute then ran into the bathroom to see a very bright ‘plus’ sign. i was so pregnant, the test didn’t need the full 2 minutes.
i immediately started shaking. not a good kind of shaking.
the night before we had attended our final class of our month long training to start the foster care licensing process. it was a million hours or more of training and we could not have been more excited about getting all the paperwork started. we wanted to be licensed by february or march. we had originally decided on april, after caleb’s 2nd birthday, but we were so moved by the training that we didn’t think we could wait that long. this pregnancy would change all of that. i have never felt so torn in all of my life. with this pregnancy, a precious baby was growing already. already ours. but it also meant losing out on all those kids we wanted to foster. i’m not sure if you’re understanding this or if you ever will unless your heart goes through the beginning stages of transformation of adoption. it’s not a decision you can easily turn on and off. it is our whole life.
i tried to convince my head to pray about it all, but it wouldn’t. i texted dane to call me. when he did, i blurted out the news and started crying. by this time i was excited and scared. the good kind of excited and scared. dane was extremely happy.
that same day, my best friend dropped by after work. to this day, i don’t know why i didn’t tell her about the baby. i spent hours with her and didn’t tell her. part of it was because i was afraid my emotions would betray me and i was kind of scared what would come out. i wasn’t ready to deal with it all without thoroughly praying with my husband. it was exactly a week later when i attended her appointment with her midwife at the birthing center that i knew i wanted her to be the first to know. i got to hear jack’s heartbeat (before he was jack, before he was a boy) and then we went to Sonic where i failed at finding a clever way of telling her. like with dane, i blurted out the announcement. she used my own words in reply, “are we happy about this?”, before showing emotion. i cried through a ‘yes’ and we hugged and laughed. i told her about the weird feelings i was having this time around. it was so good and the first time i remember being truly excited about it all. she ended up staying at my house until joel returned from work. i was going to cook them dinner and we’d hang out and celebrate.
not even two hours later, i started spotting. i knew this could be a sign of normalcy. nicole had gone through the exact same thing just weeks earlier. but, like any good mom, i started to panic that something was terribly wrong. i called my nurse friend and she came over. by the end of the night, 6 adults stood in a circle in my living room all huddled up, praying over our baby. i will never forget that night nor the power of community.
on thursday, in a last minute decision, i decided to see my doctor. she could get me in for an ultrasound and i could rest knowing my baby was fine. nicole went with me, once again by my side during a difficult thing to experience. i saw my baby for the first and last time that day and he/she was measuring around 4 weeks. i was stunned. i knew my body had been off, but i was sure i was 6, almost 7 weeks. after giving me a lesson on conception, the nurse dismissed us. i paid for the ultrasound and we walked to the car. the information started to really sink in. by the time i was sitting in front of the wheel, i had no more self control. i broke down in the worst kind of way. i knew something was wrong because there was absolutely no way i was just 4 weeks along. i know how conception works, i’ve already got one kid running around! nicole tried comforting me by holding me and talking. she wasn’t aware of everything tumbling around in my brain. she was just excited they saw something, definitely a baby.
i think it was then that i knew we would lose the baby. i knew what it was like to be David, praying over his child as if he wasn’t going to die (2 Samuel 12). i knew, in that strange Holy Spirit way, that God wanted me to be right where i was. to be helpless, crying out to Him. i had so many moments of great strength in Him where i felt total peace. they didn’t last long in those first few weeks, but i always knew He’d be there to heal me.
that night we watched The Help. why? why didn’t anyone tell me it would be so terribly sad. or maybe i was just so terribly sad. i cried for nearly two hours and finally felt like i ‘let go’. if you’ve ever had a miscarriage, you know it’s never fun going to the bathroom. for the next three days, that room ruined my life. i was thankful for the weekend. time with my family. time to be with my husband who was mourning, too, and was finding it very difficult to watch me go through it all. time at church with my community. and just the gift of time itself. i marked it on the calendar as our baby’s birthday. i didn’t want to ever forget to celebrate our baby. i talked about it a little with friends and family, but it wasn’t until april when we had our homestudy that i was confronted again. you will never forget any of your kids, but i felt so ready to move on and love on others. i wasn’t just putting on a show or saying things to get our license…it took everything i had not to break down over NOT getting kids in our house immediately.
we took december and january ‘off’ from our licensing process so we weren’t official until June 26th.
on june 29th, friday, we got a call about a little boy who was in the hospital. after little deliberation we said ‘yes’ and waited for CPS to make their decision. it was around 5 or 6pm that evening that told us we could visit him, but he wouldn’t technically be in our care until the following monday. CPS had closed for the weekend. we knew absolutely nothing about this baby except his name and that he had a chronic illness.
i stayed the entire weekend and dane and caleb visited often. he has several medications he takes that the nurses were administering to him regularly. i allowed them to so i could watch and learn and ask questions about how to take care of him. late that first friday night, the nurse came in for his nightly meds. she cross checked the ID tag he had on his foot with the tag on the syringes.
“OH!! What is his birthday? I don’t even know!!”, I exclaimed, startling the nurse. i turned baby T over to get a better position for reading his ID tag.
12/11/11 is what it read.
my mouth dropped open and my shoulders went limp. i remember leaning my head back on the chair and laughing to myself. i couldn’t wait to tell dane.
here i was holding my precious baby boy. the baby that God promised me.
neither one of them will be mine forever, but whatever time God allows with them is reason enough for celebration.
so happy birthday, Mikka, and happy birthday, baby T.